Taking a Risk & Keeping it Real!

This weekend was a gift. I became aware that I have been somewhat inauthentic in my life. I want to take a risk right now, and be honest.

I am struggling right now.

I am not working, and have been looking for work for two months now.

I judge myself as an inadequate mother because I am not working.

I am needy right now.

Yuck, I hate owning that. It's the truth though.

I must own it before I can release it though.

I judge myself for being 'needy', and needing help. I think that if I need help, and I lean on others, then I will be burdening them. Consciously, I know better, I have seen and witnessed what it is to be carried by others. ie. Geese flying in a 'V' formation, they support eachother, and care for one another. I understand this, and it is another thing all together for me to practice in my life.

Not being willing to receive support has robbed me of many opportunities, and friendships. Not to mention, I have blocked the energetic flow of my life! I have steered myself off-track, and made life far more difficult than it needs to be.

What must I do to change this pattern of not receiving support? Well, first I am taking a risk by writing this blog and sharing that I am needy right now. I am a single Mom, and there are days when I am simply physically, emotionally, and mentally spent.

I cried last night because I had nothing left, not even enough to make myself dinner. I wept and I wept and I wept. Not just about the dinner, but because the truth is, I am fragile. I really judge myself for that. I judge myself for not being able to just 'deal'. Yet, if I become honest, I have been through so much in the past 3 years. I don't like to be one of those types of people that uses past experiences as an excuse to fail. Yet, I recognize that in order to succeed, I need support to pick myself back up.

The next step to break this pattern is to begin to ask for support with my son. Finding a babysitter has been a challenge for me, as again I don't want to 'bother' anyone. I will take a risk and put an add in the paper, or at the corner store! I will keep you all posted.

I feel uncomfortable with this post, as it is very raw for me. Yet, I believe the type of woman I want to be is real, authentic, and honest. Even the picture I posted with this entry is a risk for me. I want to real. I want my son to know how to ask for support, and to know how to receive it. I am willing to change. I am wise, yet I don't always have the answers. I don't always have the best 'view' of myself.

This day is a new beginning.