A Mother's Love

Yesterday was an interesting day. I got my little boy into a good daycare here in Red Deer. As of next week, I will no longer be a 'stay-at-home' Mom!

I have to be truthful, and share that I am seriously grieving this. It is great that I am going back to work, and it'll be awesome for him to make new friends, and get to play a lot. I just really CHERISHED my time with him.

Despite all that has happened over the past 2 years, I do not regret taking time out of my life this past year to be home with him. I have let go of my 'status' in the workplace, and the material gains from working, so that I could be 'present' for my child. The bond that we've created is indescribable. I never knew I could love this BIG and this HUGE. I am actually at a loss for words right now, with my attempt to describe how much I love this child.

Since I've become a Mom, I have experienced an interesting transformation. I have been able to see everyone as some one's child, a child who is loved by someone just as much. I find myself wanting to love those who do not have that type of love in their lives. It is this type of love that could transform the world.

Another step in the journey, another opportunity to see the impermanence of life. I suppose it will be like this his whole life, constantly 'letting go', and letting him grow up. He is not mine. I do not own him. He is on his own journey, and I am here to protect him while he's vulnerable and teach him how to be a loving, independent, contributing individual. I am blessed to be a part of his journey. I am happy he chose me to be his Mother.

I just wish my heart didn't ache so much at the thought of not spending time with him everyday. My humanity has the better of me today. I will turn this over to the universe to manage. I release it, I surrender it.

And so it is.

Welcome to my Life!

The day has begun, I feel the stirrings of the house coming alive below me. I slowly open my eyes, and am reminded of how many gifts I have.

Welcome to my life!

A goofy grin spreads across my face, and I’m saturated with joy. I am still amazed at the surprises life brings my way. What goodness comes when I surrender to the flow of the stream.

This is my life. I am staggered by my own perceptions. When I yield my fears, and leap into the excellence of life, I can’t help but feel anything other than exhilaration. I’m so pleased I am here in this life. Despite the fears and the hurts and the traumas…

I love humanity, and everything we go through on a daily basis to not only survive, but to re-create ourselves in the next grandest story.

Today I have a feeling that the greatness that awaits me downstream is nothing less than spectacular… and you know what?

I deserve it.

And so it is!

The Gift of a Rainbow

Last night, as I allowed myself to slip into the calm comforting silence found only in the country, I found myself settling into a deep emotion of reverence. What a beautiful experience this life is. Even as I sit here, I am aware of the wind caressing my skin, and the of trees dancing playfully. I want to take it all in. Every single moment.

As I busy myself with the days, I find myself incredibly grateful when I have those 'chime bell' moments, where I am pulled back to the present. Those moments where my mind is silent and I land in the vastness of eternal bliss. Even if they are brief moments, they anchor me to something beyond the business of my mind.

Whenever I see rainbows, I am always catapulted into this state of being. The little girl in me is always mystified by the magic and beauty of a rainbow. Last night, I received the gift of a rainbow. Like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I too dream of a place somewhere over the rainbow. I imagine a place where deceased loved ones live, and where future earth angels reside.

My heart is full with the beauty of a rainbow.

Much love.

The Smile Experiment

Smiles are such a wonderful gift, and a beautiful way to 'make a difference'. Some days, I like to experiment with the smile. When I am walking down the street, I will consciously make eye contact with people and smile at them. I am always amazed at the transformation that occurs. Most people will instantaneously smile back, and energetically it is almost as though they stand a little straighter!

Sometimes, when I smile at someone they will give me a dirty look. This also amuses me. I wonder what belief has just been fired off for them, and how long will they ponder, "why the heck was that woman smiling at me?"

I love to offer smiles with no attachment from the receiver of the smile.

The transformation that occurs within myself is pretty cool also. Before I know it, I am smiling for no real good reason at all.

Another favorite of mine is the salute smile, this is the smile I give to the elderly. I two finger to the forehead smile along with a 'top of the morning'! I always get a ferocious grin in response, and I love sending people my respect.

Last night on my run, I nodded and smile at several teenagers riding past me on skateboards. I got the peace sign, a nod in return, a 'hey hey hey', and the last one (who was smoking a cigar) gave me a toothy grin.

I'm grateful I was open to the moment and was able to make a connection to people I might have otherwise 'judged'.

I love it when my mind is out of the way, and I can come from love. The exercise of 'smiling' at people is one that will quickly elevate my vibration, not to mention IT IS SO MUCH FUN!

So, if you are reading this, then I challenge you to make eye contact, and share your smile with at least 10 strangers today. Just for fun, and just because you can!

Great love is often found in the little of actions. - Mother Theresa

Burnt the Cake.. OH WELL!

Today I got so carried away with my life, I burnt my Mother's birthday cake! When I told her the story, she laughed it off. She is so great, my Mother. So much going on all at once, but it is lovely none-the-less. What a beautiful day in Red Deer today. The sun is so bright, and the trees are so green. I plan on taking Bodhi to the swimming pool this afternoon.

I am cherishing these days with Bodhi, as the wind down has begun before I have to put him into daycare. One one hand, it is a cause for celebration, and on the other hand, I am grieving the time I got to spend with my precious little boy. I surrender it all in love, and faith. I choose only happy outcomes, I release this intention with love, and so it is.

Life is amazing.


--> After posting this, I actually did my best to save the cake... here is an after pic!

Listen

One of the greatest gift we can gift another (I believe) is the ability to be ‘present’. to show up for them. To care about them. To ask them about their day. To Listen. To care.

Who am I listening to today?

What am I listening to?

Some days I long to be ‘heard’... being human and all. What do I have to say? There are ways for me to say it.

Today, I want to ‘Be’ present with others.

100% in the moment.

Can I listen to the whispering’s of the universe? Can I listen to my son tell me a story in his own way? Can I listen to what others are really saying.. even when they’re not?

Yes… if I choose to.

Enjoy the Game of Life

Life is suppose to be fun is it not? Then how come when I look around, I see so many people looking grumpy? How is it that so many people in my life seem to struggle with letting go, and enjoying the game of life?

Is it because we are so far out of alignment with who we really are? Sometimes, when I feel grumpy, I will stop and ask myself "Why aren't I aligned"?

The source within us adores us so much, there is nothing more disabling than disagreeing with the way source feels about ourselves. We assume that something must be wrong with 'me'. Perhaps grumpiness occurs when our thoughts are out of alignment with how source feels about us.

Stop and laugh! The thoughts 'I am not good, I am wrong, I am inappropriate..." they are bogus.

The source within me loves me. When I don't love me, I am off.

Today I want to turn around and focus upon things that don't 'block' the flow of love.

I don't need to be loved, I just want to be the one loving..

Then one day I may say I don't really like myself.. but it doesn't really matter because I've found so many other things to love... so then evenutally I will look at myself at say, "hey I'm not so bad!"...

Today I will bask in the amazing gifts life brings, and enjoy this game we call life.

In the Journey...

Had a dream about you last night.

You were smiling.

You were young again.

You glanced at me over your shoulder, and asked me what has been really going on.

After all this time, over two long years, it was great to hear your voice again.

~~
In the dream he said, “There is a road you are traveling, and your time to come to the end of your journey is on it’s way soon my love.”

I felt a jolt of fear, and panic. “NO, I am not ready to leave!” I cried, “I have finally remembered who I really am, and I want to remain here for as long as I can.”

He began to sing to me a sweet lullaby, “it’s in the journey my love that you gotta dig deep down and hold on, you can’t do it alone babe. Remember love, and surrender your fears.”

“I have free choice.” I whispered back, “I choose to stay here, with my son, with humanity. Even though I miss you, just as I miss the stars in the blackness on a cloudy late summer’s night. I know that in time the clouds will dissipate and we will see each other again.”

He beamed at me, and I reached out to touch him. He held his gaze and whispered back, “I made my choice. And this is my Fate.”
~~

And then. You were gone. Again.

This world is not the same without you.

I understand you made your choice.

I still miss you Andrew.

There is one long road I will travel, and I will see you again. Seems that this was ‘our’ fate.

And so it is.

Happy Father's Day!

Today is Father's day!

When my Father was a young man, he was in a serious motorcycle accident. He broke both legs, an arm, his nose. He should have died. One night, we were sitting around the house, just visiting and he wanted to share with me about his experience. He shared with me about the terror, and pain he was in after the accident. When he was in the operating room, he thought often about how that was the end, and he had begun to make peace. At that moment, he looked over and saw my Mother standing at the door. She was several months pregnant with me. My Dad said that he left his body, and floated over to my Mother, and then he went inside of her, and he saw me! He said that what he saw were more like colors, and he felt feelings, and thoughts were being communicated to him from me! He recalled how I had sent him a message that it wasn't his time to go, and that he needed to stay on earth to be my Dad. That I needed him to be my Dad in order for my life purpose to be fulfilled.

Obviously, he decided to stick around for a while. I am so grateful that he has! I know I haven't made life easy for him, and yet he still chose to be my Dad (at a soul level). He has been my greatest opportunity for unconditional love. He has passed along many life lessons, and has a bad-ass attitude, that next to none would mess with. He is very intelligent, and funny. He has seen many things in his life, and I wish I could spend more time with him. I'd like to thank my Dad for being who he is, and for the fact that underneath all the bull-crap, I know that he really does love me.

We haven't always connected here on the 'physical' plane Dad, but I know how much I love you, and what you have done for me and the role you played in my becoming who I am! Thank-you. I love you.

And in honour of Father's Day, and for the Father's and families, who lost there lives this year, I share the following video:

Stepping out your door...

“It’s a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no telling where you might be swept off to. “ - Bilbo Baggins

I am setting forth upon an incredible journey! I desire most of all for those who love me in my life to know that I am happy. Today, I feel a sense of peace and freedom that can only come from liberation of my ego. To be able to know that I am not my mind.

For a long time I held on to an idea of my ‘image’ being the source of who I am. I am not what I do for a living. I am not the amount of money in my bank account. I am not the difference I make in the world. Those are all simply reflections of my belief system. My mind.

It does make a great deal of sense to master the belief system, to go forth and consciously create results.. yet.. are my results who I really am? For when I create a result I am not pleased with, then I am telling myself in essence that I am no longer pleased with ‘Who I Am’!

And yet.. Who am I?

I am love. I am spirit. I am joy. I am all of these things. And I have for a while, been travelling a road where I thought I was all of those things only when I brought love, spirit and joy to others. I forgot about me.

Today I am stepping into a new version of myself… myself as a source of joy, spirit, strength and love. I am stepping into ‘being’ that. I surrender all my fears, all my b.s. about others not loving or supporting me… I let it all go.. with love and faith.

I know that a miracle awaits for me today. I know that all is healed right now. I know that all I must do is continue to remember my true nature, and have compassion for those who may have forgotten their true nature.

What an exciting adventure… this thing we call life! So far it’s been an incredible ride!

And so it is!

Friday Morning Ramblings...

Having faith. What is faith? I heard once that 'Faith' could be described as flying through the air on a high-flying trapeze, and letting go of one bar before you can see the next one coming. Either you are going to catch the bar, or you are going to fall. And a person who has faith, knows that the safety next will catch them anyway, so why not enjoy the ride?

This week, I took a leap of faith into the unknown. I finally let go of a desired outcome, and have been flabbergasted at what the 'unknown' has brought to me. I have faith that I shall be restored to my once again shiny, vibrant, happy vibration. Hence the journey of life. I suppose I would be considered an eternal 'optimist'. Even when I am struggling and am challenged, I am constantly looking for how I can better myself from the situation. Life happens, and we either become 'bitter', or we become 'better'. Everyone goes through tough stuff, and at some point I just had to say to myself 'so what'? So what that happened? Yes, it was hard, and sad, and painful, and in this moment... what can I do to move towards creating something better?

It doesn't serve me to focus on being victimized by life, even though it is really easy to live in finger pointing, or self-blame, or feeling righteous about all those other unconscious boo-boo's in the world. Because the truth is, I have zero control over others, or what has happened in the past. I only have so much vital life force, so why not put that energy towards the things I can change. I love the 'Serenity Prayer', because it anchors me to this...

Universe, grant me the Serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
AND the wisdom to know the difference.

I think I lost my faith for a while. I lost my 'knowings' that the universe has a safety net for me, even if I 'fall'. I am still here, and I am still optimistic. I am STILL loving.

Despite all the chaos whirling on around me. I am still here choosing to love.

I have faith in love. I believe in love.

I must have compassion for those who can't give me what I need. I must forgive them, and love them. It's okay for me to set boundaries, to say, "I won't lose myself just to be with you," It's also okay for me to love those people who have closed hearts, and to honour them for where they are at in there journey.

In other words, I love him... and yet, I love me more. I have faith that by loving myself first, I will be vibrant, radiant, full. When I am chock-full of love, I'll then able to love others extensively, thus spilling my light and love reaching out to the world.

... As I was about to post this, I got a call... I GOT THE JOB! Faith without works is dead... this really has been an incredibly moving week.

Don't Blink!

I was going through my old writings, and I came across a short piece I had written one day after going to the 'Center for Spiritual Awareness': http://centreforspirit.com/

I really wanted to share it, as it still gives me goosebumps!

~~~
April 13, 2009

It was Easter Sunday, and I was at the Center for Spiritual Awareness that morning. The music was playing, the whole of the community was dancing and singing and clapping along.

I was half paying attention to the choir up front, as I was beginning to realize that I had sweat dripping down my back from chasing after my son.

“He’s quite the handful, isn’t he?”, an elderly gentleman commented from the back pew. I had a slight realization that he had been amusing himself with my little chase the baby game for quite some time.

My son, who is all of thirteen months old, waddled over to him and motioned to be picked up. I was a little surprised by this as he is usually kind enough to smile at strangers, but never before has he asked for one to pick him up!

The elderly man did as my son was asking, and he just held him on his lap. I noticed my son taking the man in, as though he were looking deeply into his soul. The older man smiled back, in the most kindly and gentlest of ways. “He’s a really beautiful boy ma‘am’.” he grinned at me.

I nodded enthusiastically and returned the smile, “I think so too!” The elder man grinned even bigger, “Yup, you definitely done good! He He He”. We were both giggling by this point and my son even joined in the merriment.

Then I noticed that the man had tears in his eyes, and his lip started to quiver a little. He the leaned over and looked me straight in the eye and said, “Promise me one thing! Please, promise me you won’t Blink”.

I leaned back from him for a moment, taking in what he was asking me.

The man let a tear roll out of the corner of his eye, he smiled again and said, “Because if you Blink, before you know it your son will be twenty and moving out of the house.”

We looked at each other for a long moment, and I felt my heart squeeze with compassion for this man. This loving man who had seen many many years of life, I wondered at the joys he felt, and the memories he held at people who have passed.

I felt my heart open like a huge flower, I smiled back at him and with humility and gratitude I bowed and said, ‘Thank-you’.

I watched my son clamber off of the man’s knee, and I took a moment to reflect at just how true his statement was. We are all here for just but a moment. And I am so grateful that today my eyes are ‘Wide-Open’.

The service ended, and as others were making there way out of the building, I was left with this strong feeling that someday I will be the one sitting in the back row of the Center, telling another Mommy to not blink.

Life is so precious.

Thank-you Tom. See you another Sunday soon!
~~~

A Short Poem for Bodhi

A breath away I know he sleeps.
A time to share before he weeps.
I sing my song whilst in dreams he leaps.
A son forever with great joy he reaps.

Our blood and bones are one and the same,
While he plays and dances his childish games,
An angel to many he revels in fame,
A heart forever he finally came.

A reunion so blessed one can only know,
A love for a child upon them bestowed,
Great miracles surround this blessed crow,
With great magic and wonder my child proudly grows.

-Toni-Lee Johnstone

Reach out and Touch!

I had a phenomenal chat on the telephone last night with a dear friend. She recently traveled Europe and Australia for a couple of months. I love hearing about the world, the different cultures, attitudes, experiences. I love expanding my mind and learning about what others ways there are to live in the world.

My friend and I were discussing loneliness and happiness (never a dull moment in our conversations) and she said to me, "The reason the people in Europe seem so happy, isn't because they have lots of material possessions, it's because they have lots of relationships." When she said that I literally got goosebumps all over my body. I knew that what she had just said was absolute truth.

When I die and look back upon my life, it will not be a review of the amazing shoes I owned, or the great haircuts I had, or even the property, vehicles, or other toys. I will look back and reflect upon the love I shared in my relationships with others. What will really count is how I showed up for others, and how I allowed them to show up for me.

I've spent much time alone these days, as I've wanted to re-align myself with source and re-connect to my divinity (hence this blog). The truth is I spent an amazing amount of time alone. There is a certain sense of peace and self love I feel that has come only from spending time in solitude. Yet, I know that it would be incredible to maintain that sense of peace and love and bring them into my relationships.

I thought more about what my friend said, "In Europe, there are so many people that personal space is really limited. You are constantly brushing shoulders with people. There is always lots of eye contact too!" I couldn't help but reflect on how I see we live life here in Canada. When Paco (my son's father) first came to Canada, we went out for a walk in the neighbourhood one evening. It was the middle of summer, and no one was around. Paco was amazed and he said, "Toni, where are all the people? There is so much space here, and it is so quiet. Where are all the people?" I shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn't know where they were, and that they were probably inside watching TV. He told me that in Mexico all the people sit outside and visit each other in the evenings. He shared how if you are walking down the street past a party, you will be invited in, even if you don't know the people. Imagine that!

I've just recently moved to a new city, and I don't know my neighbors, I don't know people in my community. I don't know the people at the grocery stores. When I've attempted connection with these people, there seems to be a kind fear and trepidation, and averted eye contact. I've always felt a small pang of sadness when this happens. I will admit, I'm guilty of longing to connect with people, yet staring at the floor in an elevator, and not saying hello.

I wonder how different my life would be if I began to reach out and 'connect' with the people around me. Right now, in my very own community. I wonder what it would look like if I put more energy into that, rather than what is next on the television channel? What difference would it make for them as well? It became really very clear for me last night, that joy for me abounds in my connections with others. So today, my mission is to reach out and make at least one new connection! I will also reach out and re-connect with an important relationship with a family member.

It's going to be an unusally lovley day!

Moving Forward...

As a result of yesterday's post, I have begun the process of moving forward. Today, I took a HUGE risk and asked the government for support. I was relieved to discover that I really am not alone. Thank-you to those of you who offered encouragement for me yesterday. I let it all in.

I am ready to change, to show up, to tell the truth, and to be real. So, as a response to yesterday's post, I wanted to share what ACTION I took to move forward. To know what to do, and not take action... is just complaining. So, I wanted to share what I have done to risk and ask for help.

I received a huge gift today, and that is the support from our government. For many years, I have always paid my taxes, and I always told myself that taxes is like paying rent for the privileged of living in Canada. Now, I am accessing some of the wonderful programs our great country has to offer. I can't afford to let my ego get in the way. I can no longer bear the pain of allowing my pride to block the universal flow of give and receive.

How many times have I done charity work, given my time, my love, and my money to support others? I can humbly say that I have given, and in a way I never expected anything in return for it. Now it is time to allow myself the experience of receiving. I suppose if others judge me for this, that is a reflection of their beliefs about receiving this type of support. There is nothing wrong with being honest about my need for help.

I humbly say thank-you to our government, and to the taxpayers that pay for the programs I am going to be accessing, and I promise that I will not abuse them.

I want this blog to be a reflection of my journey of discovering the divine in all areas of my life. One definition of 'Divine' is: "extremely good; unusually lovely". It definitely is extremely good; unusually lovely that I step outside of my comfort zone and am allowing for support.

If you're reading this, thanks for sharing this amazing journey with me!

***As I was just about to post this entry, I got a call for a job interview! Just like that... the current in the river of life is rolling me forward!***

Taking a Risk & Keeping it Real!

This weekend was a gift. I became aware that I have been somewhat inauthentic in my life. I want to take a risk right now, and be honest.

I am struggling right now.

I am not working, and have been looking for work for two months now.

I judge myself as an inadequate mother because I am not working.

I am needy right now.

Yuck, I hate owning that. It's the truth though.

I must own it before I can release it though.

I judge myself for being 'needy', and needing help. I think that if I need help, and I lean on others, then I will be burdening them. Consciously, I know better, I have seen and witnessed what it is to be carried by others. ie. Geese flying in a 'V' formation, they support eachother, and care for one another. I understand this, and it is another thing all together for me to practice in my life.

Not being willing to receive support has robbed me of many opportunities, and friendships. Not to mention, I have blocked the energetic flow of my life! I have steered myself off-track, and made life far more difficult than it needs to be.

What must I do to change this pattern of not receiving support? Well, first I am taking a risk by writing this blog and sharing that I am needy right now. I am a single Mom, and there are days when I am simply physically, emotionally, and mentally spent.

I cried last night because I had nothing left, not even enough to make myself dinner. I wept and I wept and I wept. Not just about the dinner, but because the truth is, I am fragile. I really judge myself for that. I judge myself for not being able to just 'deal'. Yet, if I become honest, I have been through so much in the past 3 years. I don't like to be one of those types of people that uses past experiences as an excuse to fail. Yet, I recognize that in order to succeed, I need support to pick myself back up.

The next step to break this pattern is to begin to ask for support with my son. Finding a babysitter has been a challenge for me, as again I don't want to 'bother' anyone. I will take a risk and put an add in the paper, or at the corner store! I will keep you all posted.

I feel uncomfortable with this post, as it is very raw for me. Yet, I believe the type of woman I want to be is real, authentic, and honest. Even the picture I posted with this entry is a risk for me. I want to real. I want my son to know how to ask for support, and to know how to receive it. I am willing to change. I am wise, yet I don't always have the answers. I don't always have the best 'view' of myself.

This day is a new beginning.

Breathe in. Breathe Out.

As I sit here looking over the calm placid lake, I am reminded of how simple life can be. Breathe in and breathe out. The rest is optional. I heard that somewhere over the past few days, and it has stuck with me. It's thrilling when I become aware of how much my mind chatter can cause waves and wind on my internal sea of emotions. It is even more amazing to me, when I can consciously calm the waters within myself.


Breathe in. Breath out.

Stop. Look. Choose.

Be. Here. Now.

Be. Do. Have.

This is a mantra I say to myself over again and often.

I wonder, do the birds have to remind themselves of these things? Do the beavers and coyotes lament at lost opportunity? Do the frogs tell tales and complain of betrayals and hardship?

What is it about human consciousness that can cause so much chaos. It is reflected not only in our relationships with others, but in our connection to the earth also. I long to land in the embrace of our Mother Earth. When I allow myself to become connected to her wisdom, I am humbled, and guided to a place of peace and internal power.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Big and Little Miracles

In 2002 my little brother experienced a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. He died, only to come back to life from the other side.

I remember when I got the phone call about what had happened. I was in Club Fit, and I noticed my phone had messages. I decided to check them out while cooling off on the treadmill. I nearly fell off when I heard the news.

I remember later that day I was in total hysterics, I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I could hardly breath. When all of a sudden, I felt the most incredible, peaceful, warm, energy touch my back. I stopped in the middle of my sobbing, and I looked up and said, "I'm being touched by an angel right now!"

My brother underwent an incredibly long healing process, as not only had he had major brain surgery, he had lost function of his arm. Slowly, he began to bring his body back to life. An incredible feat considering he stepped across the thresh-hold of death, and came back to live again.

I remember walking down the street, and I couldn't help but notice that life was continuing all around me. I wanted to scream to them all, "Stop! Don't you know what has happened?" But life doesn't stop, it continues. It goes on. We all get our chance at it. Life that is. Every moment is so precious.

It is a miracle that not only is he alive today, he is thriving and well. He is in the Canadian Reserves, and has almost completed the process for becoming an accountant.

His journey from that horrifying day, to where he is now is nothing short of a miracle. And when I feel like giving up, I remember his struggle, and am then urged forward.

I'm glad you're still here Brother. I love you.

Simple Together

Have you ever loved someone for so long you can't remember what not loving them was like?

Have you ever loved someone so much, you lost yourself along the way?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that you want what they want.. even if it's not what you want?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that you imagined having their children?

Have you ever loved someone that inspires you to be a greater version of yourself?

Have you ever loved someone you just couldn't make it work with?

Have you ever loved someone you thought you couldn't make it work with.. only to find yourself giving it another try?

Have you ever loved someone you cried with joy because you didn't know it was possible to sense so much love?

I have, and I still choose to love that someone, even now, even after all that has happened. What an amazing ride!

The Significance of a Key Chain!

Have you ever stopped and considered the significance of your keys? You can tell a lot about a person by their keys. The place that they live, if they have access to a lover's apartment, bike locks, job site security, type of vehicle owned, and other safe places to keep our treasures safe are just a few items represented by keys.

At one point in my life I held up to 10 keys on my key chain. At that time, I was a busy, responsible, and an over-worked individual. In short, I was miserable. Slowly, I started the process of releasing the 'keys' from my keyring, until eventually I bore no keys what-so-ever! The journey of releasing the responsibilities of all my previous keys had been painful, scary, frightening, empowering, and eventually joyful. It has been a process of liberating my ego from attachments. I always liked the quote, "The things we own, end up owning us." -Tyler Dirton, Fight Club. In other words, the essence of 'who I really am', isn't reflected by the amount of keys I possess.

One definition of a 'key' is defined as, "something that affords a means of access: IE. the 'key' to happiness." I have been looking at things anew, and though I have released many attachments, and liberated my ego (most of the time anyway), I have also taken away many opportunities for me to express myself, and to have new experiences. Perhaps the trick is to be able to possess a key without being attached to what happens as a result of owning that key. I am now ready to bring back 'key's in my life.

It is true, that by simplifying my life, I have felt much more peaceful and free from obsessive worrisome thoughts. But I can't help but think about the monk who lives in a monastery and only eats bread and milk. I think it's super easy to feel joyful all the time living in that 'simple' space. Now give that monk, a family, a job, and responsibilities (a full key ring) and ask that monk to maintain his joy... well then I'd be super impressed. And, this is the path that I want to take. The ability to stay connected to joy while exisiting in this crazy materialistic north american culture!

Yesterday I did add a new key to my key chain. The key to my 2003 Sunfire! Good old blue and I are back in action. Looking at the definition of 'key', as something that affords a means of access, then my car key is access to freedom. I am excited to begin planning summer with my son. Daydreams of trips to the zoo, visits to friends in far away cities, and day-trips to the lake, are no longer just daydreams. If I want to express and experience all of who I am, then possessing 'keys' will provide me with much more freedom and opportunity to experience that.

So why not some time to reflect upon your own key chain? Are there keys you feel burdened by? Are there keys you could stop to appreciate? Are there keys you are holding on to? Do your keys hold you hostage, or do they provide access to freedom? For me, taking time to inventory my keys was an interesting process, and it has lead to small glimpses of discovering my own divity.

Today, I am drenched with gratitude for my two current keys. The key to my Mothers house, and now the key to my car. Life truly is divine!

What Do You Want?

One of my favorite questions I love to ask is, "What do you want?" I ask this of my family, friends, and of people I have just met. I am always amazed at how challenging this question is for people to answer. It's almost like there is a fear around owning our own personal desires, and it seems much safer to focus on the experiences we don't want.

I have a friend who has recently experienced a very painful relationship break-up. They spend hours talking about the ghastly occurrences within the relationship. Now, I do understand that there is value in venting and releasing, and allowing oneself to release the pain from ending a relationship. But when does that venting cross the line into obsessively focusing on what they didn't want to create? aka. Complaining? I heard once that the definition of complaining is, voicing an opinion about what is not working, without offering a solution.

While it is healthy to grieve, and to feel emotions, I see that often what can be missed is the balance of focusing on what experience is wanted. Instead of constantly affirming, "That spineless coward cheated on me, it was horrible!", what about saying, "I am deserving, and I want a loyal and committed relationship."

I am using this example to prove my point, and it can be transferred to any area of life really. How often have I found yourself complaining about the weather, traffic, work situation? Putting energy and attention towards that which I don't want to experience? What would happen if I turned my attention towards that I wish to experience? What feelings occur within when the weather is the way I want it to be? I can focus on creating that feeling within myself! What driving experiences would I like have? I can focus then upon making that happen! What experience would I like to have at my job? I can focus then on taking action steps that move me either towards that experience, or towards a new job.

Putting energy and focus upon that which I don't want, only allows me to continue to be victimized by the circumstance. When I can begin to allow themselves to play and imagine what it is I do want, then a doorway to owning my own power is opened!

When we were children, we used our imaginations all the time! As a child, I used to dream about all of the things I wanted. Somewhere, life happened, and I had begun to tell myself that I couldn't get what I wanted, and then I complained about not getting what I wanted, so then I got more of what I didn't want!

Today, I am going to focus on the delightful process of uncovering what I want! What are my hearts true desires? What do I want to Be, Do, and Have this lifetime? I want to have the courage to 'put it out there'. It doesn't mean I have to make an action plan to accomplish everything that I want. However, living in the energy of of 'What do I want', is far my generating than existing in the space of 'That's not what I want'.

So.. then.. have some fun with yourself, and ask, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Running Into Ecstacy

Last night, I strapped on my new running shoes, velcroed my Mom's GPS on, made sure I was hydrated, and plugged in my ipod. Yet, my mind was STILL in resistance to walk out the door to start my evening run. It amazes me that I can be engaged in such a ferocious brain battle, when the reality is running is a first-class ticket to 'Happy Land'.

In spite my brain skirmish, I managed to actually begin to run. I found myself bowled over by how cheery I felt. The joy wasn't there at first, it sort of slowly crept out of my heart chakra right about 10 minutes into the run. But it was definitely there, a vast emotional sea of delight. The sun was setting, and as it did it's rays penetrated my heavy heart, blowing it wide-open. As my heart continue to untie, I noticed that the birds were creating new lyrics, and their music was abound. I witnessed children amusing themselves at the playground, and family's connecting along side the smell of BBQ's. I couldn't seem to take in all the green around me fast enough, and it was everywhere!

As my run entered the closing stages, I found myself wishing it would never end. By opening the door of running, I had entered a sacred place of spirit, and I wasn't ready to leave. Then I realized that my brain was entering back into that place of defiance, and I could feel myself slipping away from the sanctified connection I had felt only moments before. A smile slinked across my face and I let it all go. I managed to maintain a small thread of connection to the divine space I had discovered during my run. Last night, I had the best sleep in weeks.

In the end, the next time my brain enters into fierce competition over getting out the door for a run, I shall sit it down and read this blog entry. I will lovingly thank my brain for it's resistance as it keeps me safe, and that in this case, it can rest and be assured that going for that run is truly the most excellent action for both of us. Sometimes, ya just got to say, 'oh what the f*ck, go for it anyway!

Feedback Request: Have you ever thought about Fostering a child?

I woke up this morning, with thoughts of children in Foster care. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be uprooted from my home, and transferred into the care of another family. And what sort of beliefs would I make up about that experience?

There are children sleeping in hotels right now because they have nowhere to place them! I find that quite fascinating, considering that it really wouldn't be too hard to offer a bed. I've wanted to participate in the 'Foster to reunite' program for quite sometime, and have found that as a new Mom, I've been consumed with discovering just exactly what it means to be a Mother. I have many solid, justifiable reasons as to 'why' I can't participate in this program. However; I always come back to this passionate desire to provide a loving space for some of these children to land, while they are in transition. I know that if it were me, I would want a space like that to go to.

I feel energized, and buzzing with this passion. It is like I woke up this morning, and it had been downloaded into my consciousness, because I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I am a believer that spirit will lead the way, and it comes down to... do I have the courage to follow they direction spirit is pointing? If this is truly meant to be, then I shall be lead and shown the way. Of course, I must be the one to do the footwork and take action. With solid intention and a little action, anything is possible.

http://fostercarealberta.ca/

I would love to hear from other Foster parents out there. I have been researching this for several years and would love to hear from you!

The Divine Mother

This morning on my drive back the the 'Deer', I thought a lot about my Mother. I made a statement to a friend last night that, "my Mother is a woman who has shown me, inspired me, and taught me, what it means to love." She is one of the most loving people I've ever known in my whole life. When she decides to love someone, she never stops. No matter what. Now, don't get me wrong, she is no push-over. She can set boundaries, and not put up with crappy behaviour, and yet the loving never stops. Her ability to see past all the crap people throw around, and love them anyway is her endowment to humanity.

My Mother has opened up her home and is currently allowing my son and I to be here, as quite honestly, in this moment I have no where else to go. And even when she has had people question her about allowing her daughter to "take advantage of her", she has never faltered on her choice. She simply says, "It's my daughter, and my grandson. There is nothing else to say, of course I will give them a place to live." It is so humbling to be loved like this. My profound hope and wish is that she realizes how much of a difference SHE has made in our lives because of her willingness to just show up and love.

This morning I sat down and shared with her how much I appreciate the way she loves. And I am so grateful I did. How often do we take time to tell the people in our lives, that have 'taught' us what love is, just what they mean to us? My heart was full for the sharing of it. I have a few other people in my life I want to connect with today to let them know how they were instrumental in teaching me love. What a beautiful thing to do! So if you have people in your life that inspire, humble, and share their beautiful love... then tell them so! You never know what it may mean to them!

Loving Others

I am preparing to drive to Edmonton today, as a dear friend of mine is nominated to receive a 'Women of Achievement' award. It has been a challenge for this current stay-at-home Mommy to handle all the mechanics to even attend this promising extravagant event. I'll feel like a woman of achievement if I even make it there at all! I just handled all of the mechanics to attend just this morning, which now leaves me scrambling to find something to wear! I will wait to be divinely inspired on that one.

I used to be one of the best dressed women I know, and now I feel quite at home in penguin pants and a tank top. I want to feel excited about getting dressed up, so I am going to apply my theory of 'purpose' that I was talking about in yesterday's blog entry. I will tackle the monumental task of getting 'dressed' up, as a dedication to all the single mom's out there who struggle to engage in any sort of social engagement. Heck, I may even wear earrings!

If I get honest, my struggle to get dressed really isn't about finding something to wear. I sense deep within myself a sort of 'shame' that I am not being nominated for a 'woman of distinction' award. That little voice inside my head that says, "See, you aren't accomplishing quite enough. You aren't 'doing' something with your life. Everyone is going to think you are a lazy bum because you are a stay-at-home mom right now". Of course, no one is really thinking those things (or if they are, it is really none of my business). I recognize that these are only thoughts, that are not necessarily supporting me in feeling joy.

So, I shall re-write these thoughts. "I am an accomplished Mother. I am an accomplished lover of life. I make a difference just with my smile. When I show up to just 'love' others, the effect is felt far and wide."

So tonight, I will get out of head, and show up loving the people in my life, and especially my dear friend who is deservedly nominated for this award. This night isn't about me, it is about celebrating the way she serves humanity and her community. This is a woman who gave her kidney to a man she barely knew, a woman who shares herself to the point of sacrifice. She really is an earth angel, and THAT is what tonight is about.

How can I better love the people in my life today?

It's a PARTY.. let's celebrate!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... blah blah blah. But it's so true. Discovering divinity in the day-to-day, mundane routine of Motherhood is an interesting excursion. I watched an episode of 'Sex and the City' last night about the cult called 'Motherhood', and part of the theme focused upon the single girl observing how much 'Mothers' have sacrificed. No longer CEO's of company's, they find themselves wiping snotty noses and smoking pot in their children's tree houses just to stay sane!

I suppose one could argue that there is divinity in smoking pot in a tree house; however, I must confess I am looking for a deeper connection. I must have purpose in my day. In Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning', he summarizes that if a person has the 'why' he can survive any 'what', and accomplish any 'how'. I now find myself embarked on the amazing expedition of discovering the divine in poopy diapers, endless hours of baby babble, temper-tantrums, constant cleaning up of broken valuables, and long periods spent in total isolation. I am groaning at myself, because I don't want to be that Mom that complains about her lot in life.

So, then if Viktor Frankl can survive two years in a Nazi concentration camp, then I can survive the passage into the cult of Motherhood. Yes, it's true I have long since drank the koolaid, and am totally smitten with my son, I just want to be able to fully embrace the experience! Purpose to a day is like the fizz in your pop. Today my purpose is to celebrate. I am going to face-forward my day with the enthusiasm and optimism of a teen-ager going to a Friday-night basher! Why? Because it'll be fun, and if I get to decide what my purpose is, then why not that?

Yes folks I will buy my grocery's while dancing to my ipod, I shall drive my car to the park with AC/DC cranked (my son loves them), I shall prepare a meal tonight of Nachos and Tofu, and I shall look for all the little ways my boy laughs along with life. I shall laugh along with him. How many CEO's laugh out loud for no reason at all? Or shout with excitement because they've discovered something new? I watch my son, and I giggle with the thought of how great it would be if all adults acted like toddlers, with their awkward way of playing, talking, dancing... we should all allow ourselves to dance like a kid with reckless abandon!

So today, my son and I are going to PARTY, listen to the music, dance to the beat, sing our truths with love, and celebrate LIFE!

Stand still and let the love land!

So last night a friend shared with me that he experiences me as the same person he met five months ago. He was indicating that I am 'stuck', and that given my background I should be further along in my career, life, etc.

It caused me to pause and reflect, because to me, there is nothing worse than standing still, or being 'stagnent'. Throughout my life, I have been surrounded with 'personal growth' opportunities, I often buy-in to the idea that I must always be 'in process'. And that, my 'process' must look like manifesting outward changes.

To give you some background on myself, I was a 'career' driven, purpose driven woman. I strived and pushed myself for many hours a day, for the sake of 'personal growth' and being 'in service' to others. I worked as a Facilitator and a Personal life coach, and I found great enjoyment with my work. In 2008 I was blessed with a child, and have since 're-evaluated' my priorities, and where I want to direct my energy. I took a risk, and left everything behind, moving to Mexico with my son. Needless to say, though the experience was memorable and many lessons were derived from my Mexico experience, and since I've decided to raise my son in Canada.

Since I have been back in Canada, I have spent the last 5 months being a single 'stay-at-home' mom. My ego has been screaming at me that I should be 'doing more', that I should be taking some sort of 'course', or being in 'service' to others. However, I have the unparamounted task of raising my son. I am the 'soul' support for him. It is my greatest task, and my greatest opportunity. So my days are no longer spent in the fast-paced world of personal development seminars, and sessions, they are spent singing songs, teaching abc's, and looking for work.

The last 5 months I have embraced the experience of lonliness, courage, self-forgiveness, fortitude, humility, and most importantly gratitude for my life and my son's life. My greatest challenge is learning how to ask for support, and help. This is on-going, and it is my greatest risk at the moment. I do not want to raise this child alone, I want his life to be filled with loving conscious people who contribute and add value to his life. This is what I want to manifest for him! And, I must surrender to the universe and trust that those people are on their way. And I must 'Let it BE'.

I have realize that sometimes the greatest 'growth' or 'change' can occur when I finally 'stop' and just stand still for a while. I truly feel alive, and so connected to what is truly important... which is to love. There are many ways I can show up in the world, and this is my way right now and for now. It may not 'look' like the up-front and center way it did before I was a Mom, but my 'spiritual growth' has been profound.

So to my friend who shared that I haven't 'grown' or 'changed' in the past five months, I say thank-you. It caused me to pause and reflect upon my own process. And I am perfectly content with my 'process'. I know that my child will only be little for but a glimpse of time, and I am joy-filled that I have the opportunity to be at home with him and to just 'be'.

THAT is HUGE growth for me.

With love... Me!