Saying Goodbye...

I ran for you.

I ran in our city.

I hurt for you.

I cried for you.

I felt you with me.

Your imprints were everywhere.

Do you realize, what you're missing?

I could hear you.

Sometimes I dream you're still alive, and it was just a big joke you played.

Did you really know what you were choosing?

Are you sorry that you came here?

I ran past the places we ran together.

I ran past the place where I realized you were never going to write to me again.

I ran past the place where we'd sit and have lunch together.

I ran so fast, even though my back and heart were broken.

A spectator held sign that said, "Run for the world you wish to see." and I wept for you.

You're missed here on earth.

You made a difference.

You were loved.

When I crossed the finish line after 13.1 miles, I couldn't stop crying.

Why did it have to be goodbye?

So many reasons for me to quit, but I didn't.

I wish you didn't.

Life goes on.

I can tell you that I'm fine, because I'm made of flesh and bone.

Promises of a new day rise in my heart.

I will let the people here love me today.

Today I will rest.

Tomorrow, I will run for the world I wish to see, and smile knowing that you were once a part of it.

Rest now.

Goodbye.

Hitting the wall hard!

 

This week marks the half-way point of my first marathon training experience. So far, for the most part its' been easy running! I've been blessed with great training runs, and lots of smiles... until last Sunday on my 18 mile training run! I was completely stunned at the ferocity of my limiting beliefs, as I hit a hard wall for the first time. I wanted to quit, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just kept going. As I was running, I was in screaming torturous pain, and so tired, yet I knew that if I just kept going, I'd have this profound spiritual experience.... really!!

uhh... ok Perhaps. Perhaps not. If all events are neutral, and we attach the meaning and significance to that event, then I get to create the meaning of 'hitting the wall' last Sunday. I mean after all, all of the drama should count for something!

The evening after this run, I was stunned into silence (trust me, this is most unusual). I just needed to go 'within', and contemplate on how I chose to deal with the experience, and what that says about me as a person. I reacted by swinging back and forth between victimization, anger, fear (what if I can't do this) and eventually stubbornness and determination. I was judging myself for being whiny, angry (dropped more than one 'F' bomb) that my body hurt when I wanted to run faster/further, and still determined that I was going to hit my target of 18 miles.

I judged myself for these feelings of struggle, until a fellow runner shared that they experienced very real and similar feelings. The point is, I'm still running. Regardless of the difficulty level of the obstacle, I'm still running. That's the lesson I'm going to take away from this. Life happens. Good happens. Bad happens. I get to decide how I'm going to respond to those things. I am a runner. I choose to keep running. One foot in front of the other.

I'm rewarding myself this week with a loving massage, and eating lots of fresh foods and beets! Now that I've had this experience, I know that when it happens again, I can and will get through it. I will live to run another day!