Ramblings about a moment...

It wasn’t obvious; rather it was in the stillness of the air surrounding him. The trickling pink notes of desire filled the air between us with promises of soon to be touch.  The vulnerable pressure in my heart forced the spilling waterfalls of words, causing my truth to fall flippantly upon his pillow.  Spindling verses of truth, the webs of my wanting began to connect us, and draw us closer. I am present only for him, as ice-covered time caused the full moon to stop in the sky.  I had been hiding for so long, and even so, I have always been connected to him.  He reached out and grabbed my hand. And with that breath-taking touch, my spirit surrendered. Humbly knowing that for that exceptional moment.... I was home.

Saying Goodbye...

I ran for you.

I ran in our city.

I hurt for you.

I cried for you.

I felt you with me.

Your imprints were everywhere.

Do you realize, what you're missing?

I could hear you.

Sometimes I dream you're still alive, and it was just a big joke you played.

Did you really know what you were choosing?

Are you sorry that you came here?

I ran past the places we ran together.

I ran past the place where I realized you were never going to write to me again.

I ran past the place where we'd sit and have lunch together.

I ran so fast, even though my back and heart were broken.

A spectator held sign that said, "Run for the world you wish to see." and I wept for you.

You're missed here on earth.

You made a difference.

You were loved.

When I crossed the finish line after 13.1 miles, I couldn't stop crying.

Why did it have to be goodbye?

So many reasons for me to quit, but I didn't.

I wish you didn't.

Life goes on.

I can tell you that I'm fine, because I'm made of flesh and bone.

Promises of a new day rise in my heart.

I will let the people here love me today.

Today I will rest.

Tomorrow, I will run for the world I wish to see, and smile knowing that you were once a part of it.

Rest now.

Goodbye.

Hitting the wall hard!

 

This week marks the half-way point of my first marathon training experience. So far, for the most part its' been easy running! I've been blessed with great training runs, and lots of smiles... until last Sunday on my 18 mile training run! I was completely stunned at the ferocity of my limiting beliefs, as I hit a hard wall for the first time. I wanted to quit, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just kept going. As I was running, I was in screaming torturous pain, and so tired, yet I knew that if I just kept going, I'd have this profound spiritual experience.... really!!

uhh... ok Perhaps. Perhaps not. If all events are neutral, and we attach the meaning and significance to that event, then I get to create the meaning of 'hitting the wall' last Sunday. I mean after all, all of the drama should count for something!

The evening after this run, I was stunned into silence (trust me, this is most unusual). I just needed to go 'within', and contemplate on how I chose to deal with the experience, and what that says about me as a person. I reacted by swinging back and forth between victimization, anger, fear (what if I can't do this) and eventually stubbornness and determination. I was judging myself for being whiny, angry (dropped more than one 'F' bomb) that my body hurt when I wanted to run faster/further, and still determined that I was going to hit my target of 18 miles.

I judged myself for these feelings of struggle, until a fellow runner shared that they experienced very real and similar feelings. The point is, I'm still running. Regardless of the difficulty level of the obstacle, I'm still running. That's the lesson I'm going to take away from this. Life happens. Good happens. Bad happens. I get to decide how I'm going to respond to those things. I am a runner. I choose to keep running. One foot in front of the other.

I'm rewarding myself this week with a loving massage, and eating lots of fresh foods and beets! Now that I've had this experience, I know that when it happens again, I can and will get through it. I will live to run another day!  

A good place to be..

I haven't been able to write lately, my laptop isn't working, and I've been running on my lunch breaks. My days lately have been very full, and I've been squeezing the most I can into life.  Running has become a source of prayer and meditation for me during these hectic times. Bodhi continues to grow taller, the job continues to get busier, the boyfriend seems to get cuter, and the running miles seem to be coming faster.. I recently celebrate one year clean and sober. Life is so much better these days. I've been experiencing a sense of peace and contentment, even amongst the hectic busy days.  I have moments of grieving the changes in my life, and I just let them wash through me like waves. I don't need to cling to them any more, I can feel it, and let it go. Running helps.  Planning an 11 km run tomorrow, and I am so appreciative of my boyfriend stepping up to support so I can get my runs in.  My mind is empty... a nice place to be!

Only a half...?!?!

I ran 16km yesterday with my Mom! Though the time was slow, I can't help but be in awe of the fact I ran 16km! ME! My body did that! I'm seriously impressed... since I have started running, things that I thought impossible have now entered into the realm of 'reality'!

- Bodhi's Pappa came here from Mexico last Wednesday! My son got to play with his Father all weekend! (He hasn't seen his Pappa for over 2 years)

- I've met the most amazing, kind-hearted, sweet, handsome man (and he runs!)

- I'm running times and distances I never thought possible for me

- I am about to celebrate 1 year clean and sober

- I am consistently feeling happy, serene, and in a state of grace.

The gifts that have come from pushing through the slings and arrows of my toxic mind, and stepping into creating 'possibility s' are limitless. Today, I am filled with gratitude for everything in my life. Today, I ran 8 km (the day after my 16 km run) and I stopped allot to take pictures. Even though my legs felt heavy, my heart is light and filled with joy. I feel happy, and alive today! And I thought that was worth sharing!

I also wanted to mention that I was having coffee yesterday with some friends and a fellow runner (ultra-runner that is) was discussing long distances. I told him that I plan to 'Only' do the half marathon. He proceeded to give me cakka for saying 'Only a half'.. and it's true.. a half marathon for me is a super huge deal. The training mentally, physically, and emotionally have been intense and profoundly life altering. Why would I minimize that experience by comparing it to a longer distance. 21 km, 42 km, 100 km.. the experience is about pushing my own personal limits, my own personal 'demons' as Lance Armstrong would say.

I'm in the celebrating mood today! Happy Easter everyone! Happy running, Happy Loving, Happy Life!

Happy 4th Birthday Bodhi!!!

Today my son turns 4 years old! Time to celebrate! I’ve always wondered about the phrase “Happy ‘Birth’day”, because technically a person really only has one ‘birth’ day in their lifetime! So today is Bodhi’s ‘Continuation Day’! And I love continuation days because they are a GREAT excuse to CELEBRATE!!! The festivities started last night, and will continue on tonight, and tomorrow I am ditching work to take him to the ‘Beach’ aka the Waterpark at West Edmonton Mall! I love taking many opportunities to celebrate; it just makes life so much fun! I hope this year; I will get to share Bodhi with his Daddy. I got a message from Bodhi’s Pappa today, and it looks like his work visa has arrived at the Mexican consulate, and he’ll be on his way!!! Another great cause for celebration! So far, this has been an incredible year, full of reasons to celebrate! I had an amazing run today, and with the crunch of snow and ice beneath my feet, I felt myself lingering in the moment with the feel of spirit on my body. I can’t explain this transformation that is occurring in me, but I can share that my heart feels as clear as the moon, when I’m running. It’s like; I have glimpses where all at once I feel like I am nowhere and everywhere!

This is a short video clip of Bodhi the night before his 4th birthday. We were in the kitchen making birthday cookies for his friends at daycare.. he was just a tad wee excited!!

Laughing at my grumpy mind...

So, on my run yesterday, my ipod battery dies I'm thinking 'great' now this is really going to suck. As I thought the thought, I was aware I was thinking that. I then thought, huh.. isn't that interesting.. is that true? That just because my ipod battery died, the run is going to suck? "Only if I decide it will be", I thought to myself. I then told myself I'd rather use the time to quiet my mind, focus on my form, and to appreciate as much beauty as I could. Yesterday I had one of the toughest runs I've done so far. There was endless snow, traction was useless, high freezing winds... but I consciously chose to smile. And as I ran, I was aware of the unending parade of negative thoughts my mind kept offering up. And as I became aware of it each time it was happening, I began to smile again. At one point, I literally could not see the path there was so much snow, and I thought, "This is insane!!!". Then my alter ego chuckled, "For those who can't hear the music, the dancers must appear crazy". What a magnificent experience yesterday was to not only become the observer in my mind, but to prove to myself what I'm capable of. Where else in my life do I automatically become resistance just because it's not going the way I wanted it to. Where else could I observe my thoughts, and consciously offer up kinder, more loving ones. By the time I was done my run yesterday, I wanted to cry... for joy. Because I had a huge mental breakthrough. Yes, I ran a hard 10 km for 75 minutes, through blizzard winds, and hard heavy snow... and it was physically challenging.. but the greatest gift of yesterday was the mental training. I am bigger than my beliefs. I am making it all up, so I want to consciously choose the thoughts I think, so I can create the experiences I want to have. I'm so grateful my ipod battery died, because after that, I was able to laugh at my grumpy mindand dance without my iPod!! Ps. the picture was taken on my run yesterday!

Quality Problems...

Snowy, quiet, peaceful day. Yet my mind seems to want to turn this day into a marathon of a 'To do list'. I opened up my computer to organize my schedule, and determine which tasks were of greater priority to accomplish today. Yet, I found myself wandering here, to my blog spot. I enjoy getting in touch with what's really important. The name of my blog is 'Discovering the Divine', and that's what I want to do today. Have as many moments of love and gratitude that I can today. So, yes, I have a mountain of 'To Do's'.

-Housework of course (never ending),

-10km run (even though its blizzarding),

-buy snowpants for Bodhi (we've lost his other pair),

-get a sympathy card & make dinner for my Gramma (she put her dog down yesterday),

-update my running plan so I can organize babysitting,

-plan Bodhi's 4th birthday party,

-move pink couch into spare room, and blue couch to living room,

-go through Bodhi's old clothes and donate,

Looking at this, it really doesn't seem so bad. Really though, I all I WANT to do is lie in bed, eat popcorn and watch Cars 2 with my three-year-old. Big sigh, surrendering it all in love and faith. I can choose what experiences I want to have. I can 'DO' all of these things and be in resistance, or I can go with the love flow, and be grateful for the opportunity I have to do these things. If I look at my life from someone else's perspective, these are all 'QUALITY ISSUES'. ie. Good problems to have. ie.

- I have a house to clean

- I am healthy enough to run 10km, and I have the heart to do it in a blizzard

- I have the resources to buy another pair of snowpants

- My Gramma is 75 and still alive to love and nurture

- I have a babysitter, and a computer/iphone to help me organize my running plan

- Gosh, my boy is turning 4 years old, he's healthy, smart, friendly, sweet-hearted, and brings joy to my life everyday, so planning his party is an opportunity to celebrate him!

- I have TWO couches to move! Abundance Abundance Abundance!

- Going through Bodhi's clothes is an opportunity to pay that abundance forward!

Ah, yes, I feel much better now about my 'To Do' list. I'm going to get right after it... just as soon as Cars 2 is done, and the popcorn is gone. My cuddles with Bodhi (yes we are cuddling as I'm typing this) are just to precious to give up. Love is so precious.

Break through the limiting beliefs....

Today was a real opportunity to work through my limiting beliefs about what I'm capable of doing. I managed to jam pack this day full of life, and all while keeping my agreements to myself and others. Way to go me! In all sincerity, it took some serious consciousness to tell my brain to shut up a few times. Ie. You don't want to go for the run... the house needs to be cleaned (ok so go home on lunch break and clean it) You dont' want to go for the run... Bodhi will miss you (ok so hire the really cute babysitter he wants to marry and spend extra cuddle time at bed time... the point is, tonight was an exercise not only in 'running', but with managing all of my considerations. Life is like that. If I can't work through the small daily hold ups, how can I manage the bigger things in life? I also realize that the more I work through those considerations, the easier they become to manage. Interesting! Love it! Love my life today : )

Running like the wind blows...

I was watching 'Forrest Gump' the other day, and it struck me when he said, "Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running!" The mind is the greatest medicine... I may not be the fastest runner out there, nor the skinniest, nor can I run ultra distances (yet) in fact I'm pretty darn average... but what is miraculous is the transformation that has been happening in my life since I've started running. I've been able to gain some serious clarity on situations that felt very stifling, and really just sucking the heart out of me. It's given me the empowerment to walk away from people/situations that aren't supportive to daily joy. I've been feeling bliss on a daily basis. Really.. genuine joy. That is a miracle. This time last year I was so lost and hurting... I couldn't stop drinking and lying to everyone about it. I hated my life, and who I had become. Putting up a front, and pretending to be a shiny stone when inside my heart was cement. I'm so grateful for not just running, but for this time I've had to embrace my weekly routine, and begin to grow roots. I'm starting to make real genuine friends here, and I really love my job. I adore my son, and I do believe (at least today) I was a really good example of the type of person I'd like my son to be. So, for this day I give props and gratitude. I know that it's an un-ending process.. just really glad I've realized that in my life I really run like the wind blows... and I'm not going to let anyone slow me down! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Thoughts from the day...

Blissful happy thoughts...

- Barefoot running in the snow makes me feel like a Woman who runs with the wolves.

- Grapefruit smoothies are refreshing and go down like a lightening bolt.

- Even though Hollywood romance movies these days are now about two guys and one girl, and how 'shocking' they can make it.. movies can still be romantic when you go with the right person ; )

- Home cooked meals by Mom are still my favorite.

- Bodhi's constant Valentine gifts are adorable, and I'm accepting everyone of them with joy & appreciation.

- Life offers up to me the vibes I give out. ie. Love. Feeling it today.

So glad to be me!

It's a New Day!

Almost a year since my last post! Interesting how quickly life can be experienced! I'm moved to write here again.

I've been at the same job for a year and half, and find myself quite at peace with the routine of my life. Aside from a recent daycare transfer that has Bodhi quite upset, for the most part, I am resigned to admit I've begun to feel the serenity that consistency that I was so desperately longing to feel this time last year.

I'm coming up to nine months clean and sober, and I'm absolutely amazed at how GOOOOOOD I feel. Words just can't seem to express how deeply grateful I am to not have that shit storm of negative thoughts clouding my judgement. I am simply a happier person when I'm not triggering the addict thought patterns that are still present in my mind.

It's Sunday night. I'm nervous about the daycare drop off tomorrow. Last Friday it took me a half hour to get Bodhi just into the front doors of the daycare. He kept running away.. poor lil man. Change is so tough for kids when their three years old. I've been attempting affirmations, reassurance, NLP anchoring good thoughts about his new daycare... guess I'll find out tomorrow.. Had to spend a ton of time this weekend soothing, and reassuring. My boss thinks I'm too much of a marshmallow with my boy.. I think I'm an awesome Mom.